I’ll then ask you to set aside 100g/3½oz of your chocolate and melt the remaining 200g/7oz in a microwave with the butter for 1 minute at 900W. Mix that melted buttery chocolate concoction in a large food processor with the following: silken tofu, maple syrup, sugar, ground almonds, half the pistachios and the cocoa or cacao powder. You shall then have a batter that resembles a cake batter. Stir in half the raspberries, without fear they’ll burst and break up a bit.

Carefully pour the batter into the lined tin; you are not a child with a sugar rush. Now bake it for 45 minutes (50 minutes if using a loaf tin) or until you poke a skewer in and the batter doesn’t really stick to it. Do not worry if it still looks raw, that’s the point of the torte.

Leave the torte to chill the f**k out for 45 minutes. In that time you could do a crossword, figure out if your shower head needs a clean, or perhaps browse another recipe you might like for dinner. You should also melt that remaining chocolate in a microwaveable bowl, then stir in the coconut milk to make a ganache; ideally do that 5 minutes or so before the chill time is done. Also, crumble up the remaining pistachios with a knife or by whizzing them quickly in the food processor.

The tricky bit is here. This is a one shot, one opportunity, not messing up kind of moment. You’re going to put a serving plate or a plate big enough to cover the top of the tin over the tin. Then, take a deep breath and gently flip over the tin, holding the plate tight. Gently lift the tin so you’re left with the torte and the baking paper, then carefully peel the paper off.

Pour the ganache over the top of the torte, then decorate with the remaining raspberries and pistachios that survived the X Factor boot camp. Leave it to set in the fridge for 2 hours or overnight, or for 2 days – I don’t mind. BUT what I do mind is that you slice up and serve this with your friends or family and watch them congratulate you with an obligatory pat on your head, like a good boy or good girl.